THE OSCARS

SUCKED

LATE ENTRY OSCAR CONTENDER RIGHT HERE

WELL TOO BAD THAT MOVIE CEDAR RAPIDS WASNT GOOD(a great man once called it "STUPID RAPIDS"). THE GUY FROM THE OFFICE WAS IN IT- MISTER ROOT DEE DO, AND THE STEVE BRULE GUY AND ANNE HECHE (NOT A LESBIAN) ANYWAYS

MAYBE I WOULD HAVE RATHER SEEN GNOMEO AND JULIET THAN CEDAR RAPIDS..
SHOULD I WATCH DEWEY COX TO MAKE UP FOR THIS CRUMMY COMEDY? THERE WERE ACTUALLY NO JOKES. THE ONLY FUNNY STUFF THAT HAPPENED WAS MY PAL CHARLIE SPITTING ON THE GUY INFRONT OF US IN THE THEATER, AND MY OTHER PAL WADE BEING EMBARRASSED TO BE SITTING WITH US. ACTUALLY MY OTHER PAL (YEAH I HAVE THREE FRIENDS!) JASON WASNT EVEN SITTING NEXT TO US CAUSE HE WAS ALREADY EMBARRASSED TO HANG WITH US. BASICALLY, THIS MOVIE MADE MY FRIENDS HATE ME.

SO ANYWAYS THE MOVIE HAD A STUPID PLOT THAT MADE NO SENSE AND DOOMED IT TO SUCK-- AND NO BABES IN IT? HOW CAN A MOVIE BE GOOD WITHOUT A SINGLE BABE IN IT?? COME ON, PLEASE?

THE MOVIE TRIED TO TAKE A CRAPPY THING LIKE BEING AN INSURANCE SALESMAN AND MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY OUT OF SOMETHING TOTALLY OBVIOUSLY SHITTY, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? GOOD, OR TOO BAD.

GUEST CRITICS SAY:

"THERES NO SUCH THING AS A LOW BUDGET, HOLLYWOOD COMEDY. IF ITS NOT PICKED UP BY THE WEINSTEIN BROTHERS, CHANCES ARE, ITS NOT THAT FUNNY"( I EDITED WHAT HE SAID SO HE DIDNT SOUND STUPID)

-GUEST CRITIC WADE

AND

"WISH OFFICE GUY HADNT BEEN IN THE MOVIE, STEVE BRUELE HAD BEEN THE MAIN CHARACTER AND THE PRODUCTION TEAM HADNT BEEN A LITTLE GIRL ON A TRICYCLE" ( AND I DIDNT BOTHER TO EDIT THIS ONE)

-GUEST CRITIC CHARLIE

THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS, TWO REAL SMART GUYS WITH THEIR TOTALLY VALID OPINIONS. AT LEAST WHEN I LEFT THE MOVIE I REMEMBERED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A FAKE STAIN ON THE MOVIE SCREEN TO GET A READMISSION PASS FOR LATER. OH WAIT, AND THEN THE FACT THAT THERE WAS A LESBO COUPLE ALSO DOING THE SAME THING ABOUT AN ACTUAL PROB THEY HAD WITH THE SCREEN ONLY MADE MY COMPLAINT EVEN MORE VALID/VALID AT ALL.

I GOT A REFUND INSTEAD, WHICH WAS EVEN BETTER THAN A PASS TO GO SEE SOME OTHER MOVIE THAT WOULD SUCK. MY LIFE RULES.

.

STAY COOL, FELLAS!
AND STAY OBSERVANT FOR OSCAR COVERAGE FOR SUNDAY, DONT WORRY

WHEN DID THIS MOVIE COME OUT?

WHATEVER, after watching five minutes of ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO, MY GRANPARENTS (WHO ARE MEXICAN) WERE LIKE "WHATTTT NO WAY GETT OUTTAA HERE JOHNNY DEPP" (BUT IN SPANISH, DUH) AND SO THEY BROKE OUT THEIR "DVD" COLLECTION- WHICH IS WHATEVER 5 DVDS MY GRANDMA BOUGHT PIRATED THAT WEEK. THEY SUGGESTED THIS MOVIE R.E.D., I BET CAUSE HELLEN MIREN IS IN IT (OLD LADY) AND SO IS MORGAN FREEMAN (OLD GUY)- MY GRANDPARENTS PROBABLY THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS GONNA BE ABOUT THEM.

IT WASNT, IT WAS WORSE.SO BAD THAT EVEN MY GRANDPARENTS FELL ASLEEPS ABOUT 20 MINUTES INTO IT, AT THE HEIGHT OF A BIG GUN BALAZOS SHOOTING FIGHT; AND BEFORE THEY DID FALL ASLEEP, THE PREDICTED PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN IN THE MOVIE. INCREDIBLE!
THE CHICK FROM WEEDS IS IN IT, AND HERE SHE IS TALKING WITH THE OTHER STAR OF THE FILM, HARD WORKING MISTER DIE HARD, BRUCE WILLIS

SO ANYWAYS, MORGAN FREEMAN IS IN IT, BUT ONLY FOR LIKE, WELL, THE TIME IT TOOK MY GRANDPARENTS TO FALL ASLEEP. HE GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD LIKE IN THE FIRST SCENE HES IN, RIGHT AFTER HE ASKS A NURSE (YEAH HE IS IN A NURSING HOME, THATS HOW OLD HE IS) TO MOVE HER BUTT AROUND IN FRONT OF HIM.

ALSO, JOHN MALKOVICH CARRIES AROUND A STUFFED PIG FOR MOST OF THE MOVIE, THAT WAS FUNNY I GUESS. WAS HE ONLY IN ONE GOOD MOVIE? HMM

OH YEAH THE SUBTITLES ON THE COPY WE WATCHED SUCKED. THIS ALSO HAPPENED LAST TIME I WATCHED A MEXICAN PIRATED MOVIE, WITH MY 18 YEAR OLD COUSIN AT HER HOUSE. THE EXCLAMATION "FREEZE!" WAS TRANSLATED TO "MARVIN" AND THE PHRASE "NO WAY" WAS TURNED INTO "POOP TO THAT." NO JOKE.

ANYWAYS, JSUT AS SOME LAME VP ASSASINATION WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, MY GRANDPA WOKE UP, MASHED A FEW BUTTONS ON THE REMOTE, AND WE ENDED UP WATCHING NAZI HUNTERS ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. WHEN DOES A RETIRED
GUY NOT WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE ABOUT RETIRED PEOPLE DOING (SUPPOSEDLY) COOL STUFF.

SO BASICALLY, IM SURE NOBODY SAW THIS MOVIE, BUT UNLESS YOUR GRANDMA COOKS YOU SOME COD WITH CURRY SAUCE AND YOU ARE TOO FULL TO MOVE FROM THE CARPETED FLOOR, AWAY FROM THE TV, DONT WASTE YOUR TIME.


PS. WHAT IS UP WITH BOTH FEMALE CO STARS HAVING BEEN PHOTO-GRAPHED IN BATH TUBS???