HELLO, WELCOME TO REMAKE CENTRAL

TODAY WE ARE DEALING WITH TRUE GRIT REMAKE, BUT B4 U READ IT, HERE ARE 2 PIX FROM MY VISIT TO THE SET OF THE COEHN BROS REMAKE:


ME AND JOHN WAYNE- I AM TEACHING HIM HOW TO ACT LIKE AN IDIOT, SIPPING BEER OUTTA MY POCKET AND DRINKING A MANGO/COCONUT. OOPS THERE GOES YOUR OTHER EYE, JOHNNY BOY!!


ME ON SET, JUST ENJOYING A BREW IN MY EX GIRLFRIENDS PYJAMAS
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OKAY OKAY ONTO THE MOVIE REVIEWZ:

THIS IS ROOSTER COGBURN PLAYED BY JOHN WAYNE, A TOUGH COOL GUY

THIS IS ROOSTER COGBURN PLAYED BY JEFF BRIDGES , A COOL GUY

OKAY, SO IT SUCKED. REMAKING A MOVIE FROM 1969 IN 2010 MEANS IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY LOOK BETTER, THE EDITING, IMAGE QUALITY, ALL THE TECHNICAL STUFF. BUT THE REST IS UP TO MR SMARTY PANTS NEW DIRECTOR (OR THE COEN BROZ IN THIS CASE) WHO WANT TO MAKE A NEW VERSION OF A GREAT MOVIE. When I say the original True Grit is a great movie, I dont mean it in the sense that "YEAH ITS A CLASSIC AND THEREFORE MIGHT BE BORING BUT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED GREAT" I MEAN: It is really a great movie. AND, it is succinct as well. The new movie ads in a couple of very, very unnecessary changes, like substituting a believable, stupid move on the part of the LeBoef guy that is following Cogburn and that little girl with a dumb, movie magic type moment where two groups of people arrive at a cabin at the exact same time.. yeah right. If that doesnt make sense, its cause im trying to be vague and not ruin the movie for you (JOSH) but you really should have already seen the original so FUCK THAT.

The two main changes (both sucked) I can remember are: Instead of LeBoef, the clumsy, unhelpful and dumb Texas officer in the party, shooting at a gang of RUFFIANS while scoping them out from up top on some mountains, by MISTAKE (IN THE OG VERZION) he now just happens to arrive to the area at the same time the ruffians are chilling. If this sounds poorly written and not very explanatory, THATS CAUSE IT IS.
2) The other main change I hated was that stupid little girl looses her arm from the snake bite at the end, (instead of just needing a cast like the OG VERZION) and there is this awful, dreamy montage of Jeff Bridges (the new Cogburn) and the girl on a horse in the nighttime (wow, more emotional if its at nightttime right?) riding to get her help. The Coen guys said that this remake would focus more on the girl, but all that basically meant was they would add a terrible little epilogue at the end, which shows her like 15 years later, all growed up with no left arm, trying to see Cogburn, who OOPS died cause he was like 80 anyways. WHO CARES. RE-RELEASE THE OG TRUE GRIT- HENRY HATHAWAY IS MY DAWG. PS IS HE RELATED TO THIS GIRL?

(THATS ANN HATHAWAY NAKED)
BOTTOM LINE: THE COEN BROTHERS MAKE GOOD MOVIES SOMETIMES, SO WHY WOULD THEY TRY TO REMAKE AN AWESOME ONE? JUST FINISH THE YIDDISH POLICEMANS MOVIE ALREADY.

In other movie news, did you know Ralph Bakshi directed a terrible, beyond awful movie starring

Batgirl and

THIS GUY? It is called CRAZY AND GREAT or something like that. I was watching it like.. This is as badly acted as Cool World, and then I realized.. Ralph Bakshi just doesnt know how to direct people.. it was really like watching a high school play. UGH.

ALSO:


THE TRUST CIRCLE, WHAT?

THE CAPS LOCK REVIEW, THE BEST CRITIC OF EVERYTHING SAYS HAPPY NEW YEAR

OH HAY THERE; LONG TIME NO C

HERE WE GO- ONE OF THE SEASON'S BIG IMPORTANT MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES, BROKEN DOWN LIKE THE SCHEMATIC OF BILL CLINTON'S COLON THAT I HAVE ON MY BEDROOM WALL.
BLACK SWAN: THIS MOVIE WAS OKAY.
Okay so I saw that natalie portman
and MILA KUNIS (who was in BOOK OF ELI) were making out in the trailer so that was cool..

and also the wrestler was pretty alright of a movie..AND everyone was talking about this movie coming out like.. FOREVER... so i guess i got kinda psyched when I was sitting by myself in the movie theater waiting for the previews start. ANYWAYS, if no one had psyched this movie up then I would have enjoyed it more.. it was just a basic horror thriller type movie with a couple of sweet effects:

and two hawt babez. Natalie portman is a ballerina and hallucinates a bunch of stuff since ballerinas are crazy and subject themselves to lots of physical trauma like not eating, barfing up what they do eat, and fucking their bodies up to do all sorts of crazy dancey type shit. The ending was dumb, she kills herself, whatevz.
OKAY--------->COMING SOON TRUE GRIT REMAKE 2010 REVIEW!!!!!!
(Oh boyyy do I got a lot to say about that movie)

SHERLOCK HOMES RUELZ SANTANA

I JUST SAW SHERLOCK HOLMES AND IT WAS SO SWEET.


The preview looked terrible and the movie looked like the spent a few million dollars too little. BUT, it was great, and very solid, albeit mindless, entertainment for the last two hours of my slow work day. Thank you Guy Ritchie, for making another sweet movie, and not taking this hollywood blockbuster and making it super shitty. WOO! SUCKY, VAGUE MOVIE REVIEW COMPLETE!

THE BEST CRITIC OF MANY THINGS REVIEWS: SHUTUP ISLAND

Shutter Island? Oh yeah, I heard about that movie, directed by the great Martin Scorsese.. Yeah that one. What? You saw it? And you think it could've been directed by Nicholas Cage and been just as good? Weird! I saw it too, AND YOU ARE TOTALLY CORRECT, SIR/MADAM. Too bad this psychological thriller is about as boring and twisty as any number of other mediocre Hollywood movies that come out all the time. M Night Shamalan probably loved this movie. Also, the score was WAY too overwhelming, and really coaxed you into what emotions you were supposed to be feeling. ALSO, the movie wasnt really shot very well.
We all know that Martin Scorsese did a lot of great movies in the 70's, and I mean A LOT. Mean Streets, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and especially The King of Comedy are all really incredible.
BUT TOO BAD. The majority of the movies he makes now are crummy and don't have the excitement and shit that his movies from the 70s had.

OKAY: so if you dont mind some plot spoliers, this is what the movie is pretty much about.
We start on a boat, where Leonardo dicaprio's character is barfing and meets with his new cop partner, played by mark ruffalo. They are going to

to investigate some missing prisoner who killed her kids . LeoDiCap(yeah!) has a bunch of weird flashbacks all the time; we learn he was in WW2 and at the liberation of Dachau, and also that he used to be a big alcoholic, and his dead wife is always bleeding and burning and shit in these weird dreams and flashbacks. All these flashbacks and dream sequences are pretty silly and the movie is very explicit in the way it "reveals" stuff to the viewer.

Now, I am a pretty big idiot, and am the kind of person who would never watch Fight Club and be like "OH YEAH I KNEW TYLER DURDEN WAS THE SAME GUY THE WHOLE TIME" or whatever, but within the first half hour, you know that the REAL crazy person is Leo Dicaprio, and everyone else is "normal." Oooooh, what a twist! Call up Shamalan and lets have a party.

MORE FAN ART, FOR THE BEST CRITIC OF MANY THINGS

Although some people might disagree with my reviews (they are silly), it is undeniable that I have amassed a HUGE fan following. Here is one of the most recent fanart drawings I have recieved. This one is from Marcello in Rome, Italy. Thanks, Marcello. I will be sending you a pair of my socks, the right one signed by me, with a turqoise pen, and the left one signed by Randy Newman, in cow's blood. Have a great day!

THE COOLEST GUY EVER?

I guess I've racked up quite a number of fans from all these AWESOME reviews I've been doing. This chick Maxina emailed me with a portrait she did of me. Real cute. Thanks, Maxina- I'll be sending you an 8 x 10 Glossy head shot, signed by me and George Lucas.

YOUTH IN REVOLT, the "movie" "REVIEW"

IM GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT, cause I didnt even watch 20 minutes of the movie. but it sucks so far and didn't even come close to touching me the way UP IN THE AIR did. As is stated above,
THIS MOVIE FAILED TO CAPTIVATE ME WHILE I WATCHED IT ILLEGALLY ON MY COMPUTER AT WORK. The chick is an ok looking hot girl, but I mean, whatever. The rest of the movie has got to be WAY better for me to rescind this review. Later, cool people

THE MOVIE BOOK OF ELI SUCKED

SPOILER ALERTS IN THE REVIEW: BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT? YOU SHOULD not WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Oh boy, so I watched The Book of Eli last night, what a HUGE PIECE OF SHIT. Granted, I'm sure you're thinking, "WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, MORON?!!" but I honestly thought it was going to be an action packed, entertainment filled movie, a la Michael Bay or something. It wasnt. There were two scenes with some cool fight choreography and one where Denzel washington shoot an arrow through a guys dick, and the rest of the movie was a classic shitty hollywood movie. Characters were totally undeveloped, there were a few shitty jokes to breakup the rest of the bad acting, and the attention to detail(which is important in a post apocalyptic movie) was a fucking joke. It looked like Denzel washing ton had just left a Patagonia store and picked up a nice sweater at J Crew.

Gary oldman's bad guy character was a poor imitation of his mean police officer guy from Leon the professional, but this time instead of sounding like a ny cop, he used a different accent: YELLING. And Mila Kunis, the chick from that 70s show is in the movie too. She has a stupid futuristic type name, like Solaris or something, and she dresses like she just walked out of urban outfitters. She is a terrible actress in this movie and follows Denzel around the whole time while he kills people and shit.
The movie has the inevitable safehouse on Alcatraz, where the "smart people" or whatever are compiling all the culturally significat pieces of literature and art. They have [pretty much everything EXCEPT a fucking king james bible. Isnt that the MOST POPULAR book in the WORLD? motherfuckers. Okay so anyways, Denzel Washington's character apparently is the only guy with a bible, which he carries around and looks at everyday, reciting passages from it out loud in the worst, tard-tingly sort of way (think the exact OPPOSITE of Sam Jackson in pulp Fiction). Yeah, so Gary wants the bible for himself, to run the shitty town he has built on the ruins of an old strip mall(complete with old PUMA, LL BEAN and probably HOT TOPIC store as well. By the way, there is so much fucking product placement in the movie it is al,most immediatly a joke. The second Denzel washington takes out HIS FUCKING IPOD, I knew the movie was gonna suck. )
OKAY, back to business. So Gary oldman follows Denzel around the desert and finally catches up to him and shoots Denzel in the stomach and takes the bible. This is the type of movie where you KNOW something is wrong with the bible, since it is building up SO HARD to oldman getting it. I guessed the bible was blank pages and denzel Washington had memorized it. I was wrong-ish. Oldman finally opens the bible and IT IS IN BRAILE.

HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT. That means denzel is blind, which is covered up by the fact that EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE WEARS SUNGLASSES. At least in Zatiochi they didnt put some fucking MASK on his face. Yeah so then you have to think about everything denzel washington does in the movie and hollywood wants you to be like : "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH SHIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOOO WAYYYYYYYYY" But in reality you are just like, ok whatever.

When we got out of the movie my friend said "Yeah I knew he was blind all along, cause if he wasnt, he woulda fucked the SHIT outta Mila Kunis the second he saw her."

THE END.


Oh boy, it looks like they made a shitty comic version or something!

BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF 2009

ALRIGHT. YOU WANT THE BEST MOVIES OF 2009? NO? WELL WHATEVER, HERE THEY ARE.

NUMBER ONE: AVATAR. NO, I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING. THIS MOVIE WAS INCREDIBLE. I SAW A PRESS SCREENING YESTERDAY AND MY EYEBALLS SHIT THEIR PANTS IT LOOKED SO GOOD. THE MOVIE IS FUCKING STUNNING. AND THE 3D DOES NOT LOOK SHITTY. I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT OF 2009, AND HOLY SHIT WAS I WRONG. IT COMES OUT FRIDAY, YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING IT THEN.

NUMBER TWO: OBSERVE AND REPORT was fucking hysterical and a BANGIN black comedy. Black comedy like morbid, dark but funny. Not talking about White Chicks or Precious or Tyler Madea or whatever. The chubby guy from Pineapple Express is in it, and he is a fucked up, Bipolar mall cop. Oh yeah and the Spanish looking guy in the movie is FUCKING hysterical.

NUMBER THREE: THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX was a really sweet movie. The animation was done in a way that mimicked shitty old PBS stop motion from the 80s I guess, and it has a really nostalgic quality about it while you're watching the movie. The story is fun and visually, the movie is so intricate I had to watch it in theaters twice to catch all the little things happening on screen. If someone says they didn't like this movie, knock them out with a brick, tie them up and put them in an oversized duffel bag, and take them up 40,000 feet in a plane and push them out.

NUMBER FOUR: THE HURT LOCKER definitely deserves to be on this list. Aside from Avatar, this list isn't in any particular order, so if you are some Star Trek loser don't think I'm saying that STAR TREK IS SHITTY AND THE HURT LOCKER IS BETTER, fuck off. The Hurt Locker is shot really nicely, and can get very tense at times; I mean it's about a guy who disarms fucking BOMBS in IRAQ. Plus Guy Pearce has a short role at the beginning of the movie, and his scenes are all pretty great. The slo mo bomb explosions from the trailer looks pretty awesome on the BIG SCREEN. And the movie incorporates a lot of personal vendetta shit into it, so you aren't watching the movie just trying to pick which motherfucker is gonna get killed next.

NUMBER FIVE: I thought DISTRICT 9 was kind of break through in terms of how that type of a movie can be made. This movie worked in all the ways that Cloverfield was a piece of shit. You care about the characters in this movie, and you don't want to throw up half way through because the camera operator is having a fucking seizure. The whole thing where the movie is made to look like it was shot on a fucked up camcorder looks great here, and the CG is getting so good that it is almost flawlessly integrated with the live action shots. Of course the whole fucked-up-camcorder effect makes the effects integration a lot less demanding than something like Avatar, which has to be crystal fucking clear. Did I mention how great that movie was?

NUMBER SIX: Yeah, so UP was a pretty fun movie. But whatever, it's not like Pixar is gonna make a shitty movie, right? Oh yeah except for Cars, what a piece of shit that was.

NUMBER SEVEN: The new STAR TREK movie changed the way I think about all those Trekkies and that shit. I have friend who grew up watching the tv shows and I thought he was the biggest fucking loser ever. He still is, but whatever, now Star Trek is a little cooler and more mainstream, so A+ for him. Maybe now when he's talking about how "cool" Star Trek is, some girl will want to fuck him, instead of a guy just punching him in the gut and calling him a "fagg*t." I have a feeling this new movie is nothing like the old shitty looking show, but who the fuck cares. Put enough explosions and cool effects into any movie and I will watch it until I need to take a piss.

NUMBER EIGHT, NINE AND TEN: Watchmen, Inglourious Basterdzz and A Serious Man were all also pretty good, but these reviews are getting fucking repetitive and I know you all probably watched these movies anyways. I was going to also include The Road, but fuck that. The same director did The Proposition and that was awesome. Plus Nick Cave's music in The Road was way shitty and really got in the way of the editing.

THE SEVEN SHITTIEST MOVIES OF 2009:
1. Bruno sucked and was a big let down after Borat. I wrote a review of it here, but forgot what I said.
2. Wolverine was a piece of shit, but I only saw the leaked version without all the CG done. That was probably better anyways.
3. I watched Coraline on Thanksgiving with my 16 year old girl cousin. I was really wasted and fell aslepep, but she said it sucked dick.
4. The Frog Princess looks like a shitty Aladdin- right, the bad guy looks like a crack addicted Jafar? I don’t know, I didn’t see it though.
5. Where The Wilds Things Are. Fuck that shit, what a stupid idea to let a bunch of arty movie morons adapt one of the most classic children’s books ever. I’m glad it fucking bombed in theaters.
6. That movie NINE looked like a piece of shit too. I got a free dvd and still didn’t watch that shit. Probably the worst character design I’ve seen since Delgo, maybe worse. Delgo was a real piece of shit from last year I think, and Freddie Prince Jr. did the main voice acting. What a fucking joke of a movie that was.
7. Did Shutter Island come out yet? This movie is on the list only cause Leonardo Dicaprio’s boston accent sucks so hard. Fuck that guy.



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