Oh boy, so I watched The Book of Eli last night, what a HUGE PIECE OF SHIT. Granted, I'm sure you're thinking, "WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, MORON?!!" but I honestly thought it was going to be an action packed, entertainment filled movie, a la Michael Bay or something. It wasnt. There were two scenes with some cool fight choreography and one where Denzel washington shoot an arrow through a guys dick, and the rest of the movie was a classic shitty hollywood movie. Characters were totally undeveloped, there were a few shitty jokes to breakup the rest of the bad acting, and the attention to detail(which is important in a post apocalyptic movie) was a fucking joke. It looked like Denzel washing ton had just left a Patagonia store and picked up a nice sweater at J Crew.
Gary oldman's bad guy character was a poor imitation of his mean police officer guy from Leon the professional, but this time instead of sounding like a ny cop, he used a different accent: YELLING. And Mila Kunis, the chick from that 70s show is in the movie too. She has a stupid futuristic type name, like Solaris or something, and she dresses like she just walked out of urban outfitters. She is a terrible actress in this movie and follows Denzel around the whole time while he kills people and shit.
The movie has the inevitable safehouse on Alcatraz, where the "smart people" or whatever are compiling all the culturally significat pieces of literature and art. They have [pretty much everything EXCEPT a fucking king james bible. Isnt that the MOST POPULAR book in the WORLD? motherfuckers. Okay so anyways, Denzel Washington's character apparently is the only guy with a bible, which he carries around and looks at everyday, reciting passages from it out loud in the worst, tard-tingly sort of way (think the exact OPPOSITE of Sam Jackson in pulp Fiction). Yeah, so Gary wants the bible for himself, to run the shitty town he has built on the ruins of an old strip mall(complete with old PUMA, LL BEAN and probably HOT TOPIC store as well. By the way, there is so much fucking product placement in the movie it is al,most immediatly a joke. The second Denzel washington takes out HIS FUCKING IPOD, I knew the movie was gonna suck. )
OKAY, back to business. So Gary oldman follows Denzel around the desert and finally catches up to him and shoots Denzel in the stomach and takes the bible. This is the type of movie where you KNOW something is wrong with the bible, since it is building up SO HARD to oldman getting it. I guessed the bible was blank pages and denzel Washington had memorized it. I was wrong-ish. Oldman finally opens the bible and IT IS IN BRAILE.
HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT. That means denzel is blind, which is covered up by the fact that EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE WEARS SUNGLASSES. At least in Zatiochi they didnt put some fucking MASK on his face. Yeah so then you have to think about everything denzel washington does in the movie and hollywood wants you to be like : "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH SHIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOOO WAYYYYYYYYY" But in reality you are just like, ok whatever.
When we got out of the movie my friend said "Yeah I knew he was blind all along, cause if he wasnt, he woulda fucked the SHIT outta Mila Kunis the second he saw her."
THE END.
Oh boy, it looks like they made a shitty comic version or something!
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